Sick, tired, loss,slumped over....

Here i sit facing my laptop, half dazed from the fever that i am having, and half dazed from the trauma of last night conversation. Trying to figure what I can put down in this entry my feelings. Last night, after the conversation, I went on to do my work to prepare for my observation on thursday.Finished up.Wash up before going to bed. I laid on my bed and then got up to switch off the lights, half way across the room to the switch, I knelt down, slumped over and break down. My tears fell and I hugged my pillow tight.

In a short time of three months, I had experienced a multitude of difficult events. I had endured the loss of a once good friend. I fell in love with someone, but she left without a word. Another person came along, care for me as I grappled with the reasons why the previous person left. I recovered slowly, touched by her concern and her dedication. I put away those unanswered questions in my mind.

Finally deciding to put my whole heart and mind into caring for her after very difficult soul searching, a change of events occur. And now the relationship between us is like a comatose person. Sure, it may work out one day, but largely, it remain in a situation whereby I am helpless. A broken man once again, and the virus have caught up with me again. I wonder how long will this fever will last this time round.

The old vulgar army voice came to me, as I slumped over last night, "get your f**K**g ass up, come on buddy, we have been through worse sh** than this. We can survive this." I know I can survive this, but I also know I cant be as joyful as i can be. How many times have i heard this before, being single means freedom, enjoy it. Well my answer is this, an unemployed man is just as free, but do you think he is so jolly about his freedom.

I want to be positive, But I cant....really cant. The prospect of going back to my old lifestyle of fun gatherings and outings, yes they can be fun. But eventually, I will return home to a quiet room, with no one bidding me good night or being concerned that I am home safely, a quiet phone, and lots of staring into the stars out of my window. No one to share your joys and pains. No one to care for, no one to be there for. No one to thrill and surprise.No one to listen to... just an overwhelming silence. Is this the freedom anyone is looking for?

Being able to love and take care of someone is one of the greatest joy one can have, it can be frustrating, difficult and tiring. But it is worth it...but once again, it is brutally taken away from me. And the excuse is always the same. You are a very nice guy, but.......

This statements hurts more than anything.....i dun ever want to hear it again.

Blogging finally....flight deprviation, life deprivation

Haha another long awaited entry after much persuasion from XT. Now it is time for me to write another entry. It has been busy busy busy busy busy...........oh mine. I Want My Life!!! I want to fly!!!
Did five lesson plans today, 4 in jus one morning, worksheet and all. A Personal record. Being asking myself what have I gotten myself into. Work in the day, work at night, work in the weekends. oh Mine...what are those characters thinking in MOE and NIE. My life being so busy that I cant think of anything interesting to write here.

Three years of this and I think I really want to go pursue my flying career. Not that it is not stressful, at least I know that after leaving the cockpit and the flight planning room. i dun have to be stuck at home marking stuff or doing lesson plans. Sigh...

A drive is appealing tonight, gets me into a cockpit(not my Cessna) but my trusty Toyota. Gives me control and freedom. Ok i take the van for refueling in a while.

And please please JM, dun think too much again. Everything can be sorted out.Let me do the thinking.

Ah ha....Lesson plans generating machine...

Really glad for all those who still look over this site despite of my recent lack of updates. It has been a busy term break for me. Lots of things to deal with NIE work, teaching stuff, having command and conquer generals duel with friends, and of course someone to take care of. Havent got much sleep lately. Had only three hours of sleep last night cos got to rush out my presentation for today. Never being so productive for a very long time. I am virtually a lesson plan generating machine.....plans after plans...worksheets after worksheets, powerpoints.....aargh...going crazy.

Well will hence forth try to keep this site updated with the best of my ability. Keep reading people haha.

Hi all i 'm back.

For those who constantly look over my blog site must have being disappointed for the past few weeks. For I have not being updating my blog. I must apoplogize for that as I have through a period which I do not know what to share on this blog. Many who knew me well, would have known that I have been dragging my feet and have been down in my dumps for quite a long period of time this year. This is especially worsen with a strange streak of a cough virus which refuse to go away, clipping my wings.

Many have offered their hands to help, and nag me when I neglected my health. As much as i tried to recover, I flounder in vain. It wasn't until I realise I was hurting someone by doing what i was doing to myself. I was heading headlong into another disaster and its dire consequnces. A heavy slap on my face it was when the person stopped picking up calls and forced me to stay away. "Go and sort out yourself, you need time. I'll be there when your emotions have been sorted out."That was her message.

It was another time, in this short year that i have to stay away from someone again. So more crashing, but a realisation came. Somebody is getting hurt because of me. This time it is my fault....more soul searching, lots of walking, thinking and eventually lots of begging, convincing.

And things have gone well so far which is why I am writing this entry. I promised henceforth to live my life to my best. Laid the ghost and the past to rest. and Be joyful.:)