ayDays of Slack, Cancelled flight and lots of driving

Today I went to school beaming, cos I knew I was going back to the clouds in the afternoon. The darn students in that particular class , the tricky superior and the admin and lesson planning would be inconsequential when when I fly overhead this school in the afternoon. Thinking of all that I was happy.

Facing that rascal class for three periods straight, again they refuse to do anything nor listened. i can be bothered with them. i told them before, if they do not appreciate anything that anyone does for them. so be it, I will not waste my energy on them. it's their own responsibility now. Again after my class, my temperamental superior gave me some unpleasant remarks. I shrugged it off.... dun care. Not going to let her affect me.

But alas alas, AJ called up in the morning, said the club's aircraft is down with a battery problem. So flight is cancelled till the 17th when AJ is free again. Guess i will have to fly alone before the 17th, maybe after may 7. Nevertheless, being a fillal son, I drove my Dad to NUH for a check up.

Reached home, did a "touch and go", my mum probably say me for about 15 min. I was out of the house in a jiffy. Destination one, XT's place to pick her up. After that, to navigate from her place to the airfied to pick JS up. XT's did a spot check on his humble abode....eh the FHM magazines and posters sure doesnt look too good on the spot check. Brought her around the airfield. Managed to let her see the two grounded planes from my club. The rain was too heavy though so couldnt see much activity on the field.

Went to chomp chomp for dinner. Ordered heaps of food, and so much seafood, those two character with one of them bandaged in the arm, and the other bandaged on the leg. Eating the "toxic" seafood like nobody business. Hope they dun get any infection from all that man...:)

The rain came and it was quite a predicatmnent, we were stuck in chomp chomp big time...until we managed to get an umbrella from one of the other patrons.

As written in XT entry, we went to eat ice cream at mcdonalds at Mayflower avenue. All right I am dozing off now...I will continue writing another day...YAWN!!!!!

You are nice but...........

Saw XT entry about nice guys and bad boys. I 'm afraid i belong to the "nice guy" catergory even though I am not all that nice, which means my prospect for any future relationship is bleak. I knew it along time ago, when girls after girls kept slapping my face with that darnest excuse....you are nice but......
As i have said before in a previous entry, those words are perharps the most hurting words anyone can can throw at me.

My recent being dumped episode reminded me the same thing. Guess I was far too nice to JM. and to anyone that i have ever dated. But what in it for me, when someone tells you that you are too nice. You mean i should go and corrupt myself and go through a beginner to advance jerk course. Thats really hurting cos after all the effort, sweat, blood, tears to make a person feel secure and she throws such crap at you.

Being nice is a natural thing for me to do, guys too have a tendency to want to take care and dote on someone. I do know of a friend, who was the absoluete jerk when he was jus having flings with gals. Girls begged him to stay when he chose to go away, but being the person he was, he walked away with the slightest of remorse. The reason he gave was simple, there was no love in him for those gals that he left. Now, he is completely devoted to a gal. He love that gal and wanted to take care of her so much. I have never seen him ever as caring and nice to any other gal before. But this time round, the gal chose to leave him....maybe he was too available to her, or rather too nice to her. He crashed and continued to have glassy eyes till now...

My message to gals is simple, you want jerks than you will not have unconditional love.This is because if a guy truly loves someone, he can never bear to be a jerk towards them. If they remain as jerky, even when you think he is yours. Then my friend, that means he is only treating this relationship as a game and it is a game he can afford to lose. My question then is, can you afford to lose?....

Night at the airfield

A bad bad day has gone by, and I was so badly stressed out by the remarks of a particular superior that I feel so down down and down. Arriving home yet again on at evening, sometimes you jus feel like giving up on this terribly demanding job. Wanting to go out for a breather and go away from anything related to education. I message a few friends for a chill out session. XT called back and we talk a bit on what happened today. The talk helped alot, and it help get my mind off all that pessimisism. Thanks alot gal! :) Shortly, JS called back and I decided to have dinner at the airfield

Determined to get my mind off teaching for the rest of the day. i picked up my flight manual, my car keys and my wallet. I headed east to Seletar airfield. Js and I had dinner at Jalan kayu and again we chat about flying, computer games and of course ahem...babes. hehe. It was always nice to talk to him despite of his short attention span haha, he is a good adviser and always willing to listen.After our dinner, we drove into Singpore Flying College. It is one remote place. Driving inside to the college was like going on safari. The roads are absolutely dark and lined by ancient trees. Old dilapidated colonial houses can be seen scattered along the journey to the flight school.
The school compound was really old and finally I caught a glimpse of the baby Cessnas. Those planes are really small that they almost look like toys. Well according to JS they are tough creatures to handle as they are so unstable.It was quite a peculiar place, as you can see some planes parked beside the road like cars in a carpark. And it is so dark, that my van lit up the place like a beacon.

Thinking back on all that has happened this week or even the past few months, somehow, I felt a sense of peace as I stood there in that quiet compound next to the runway. I hope that peace will prevail with me. Needed that to keep my sanity with all the pressure and sadness that I had to deal with.

Mr Toyota has got new shoes...

Dad took the van for servicing today, the mechanics found a huge crack on the rear tyre.That was the reason for the tire wobbling, it was lucky that I made the decision not to drive out last night to watch Passion of the Christ, if not we would likely not be able to watch it again. The van will probably be stranded in the middle of nowhere.

Dad took the initiative and change all four tires. So when I returned from NIE today, i found the van back in the carpark with 4 shiny Bridgestone tires. So Mr Toyota has gotten its new shoes.

Went back to NIE today for a short short lesson, saw all my classmates, many of them have slimmed down, and all of us have that perpetual haggard look. Many of my coursemates have suffered tremendously with the incredible demands the schools and NIE placed on the trainee teachers. I think its time for someone up the ladder to realise that we teachers are only humans and not super humans. We get tired and we need rest.

Saw SF today after a long time, didnt managed to say much to her. Just a smile, a nod and a goodbye was all i could muster. Too much has happened since she decided to keep silent to me.

Met up with CL and the rest of the Mei Ling Street gang for barbecue buffet at marina south in the evening. We had our first marina south buffet during our mid teens, now we are all in our mid twenties going late twenties. The atmosphere has some what change but we still do exactly the same things. Eat, play arcade and then watch movie. Saw Starsky and Hutch, it was hilarious and very retro.

AJ sent me an email today inviting me to sit in his currency flight in the Cessna 172 on monday, 9am. As much as i would like to go, I cant. I will be facing rascals at around that same time in the morning when AJ take off. How I wish I was back in the clouds, havent flown for three months now. Told JM this before when we went to the airport for dinner in those now distant times. I wanted to be in control of those winged creatures again. She never like the idea of me considering a flying career after completing my teaching bond. She talked about being insecure and all. I guess all that belongs to memories now.
Yes, I missed her...

信任 - 王力宏 - 公转自转

信任词:姚谦曲:童安格 王力宏


我想了很久该如何说
有一些困惑在心里头
我们都努力交换了感受
但始终还觉得了解的不够
因为你的笑所以快乐
因为你沉默所以失落
所有的想法都跟你说
我还是从你眼中看到了保留
是缘份让我们相遇又选择相守
虽然你我的世界有些不同
我想给你我所有
为什么还有心事不肯说
快告诉我你还想要什么
快告诉我还能为你做些什么
如果相爱的两个人
没有信任(我们)该如何(爱情就失去了颜色)
(music)
因为你的笑所以快乐
因为你沉默所以失落
所有的想法都跟你说
我还是从你眼中看到了保留
是缘份让我们相遇又选择相守
虽然你我的世界有些不同
我想给你我所有
为什么还有心事不肯说
快告诉我你还想要什么
快告诉我还能为你做些什么
如果相爱的两个人
没有信任爱情就失去了颜色
快告诉我你还想要什么
快告诉我还能为你做些什么
如果相爱的两个人
没有信任(我们)该如何
相爱两个人没有信任
爱情就失去了美丽的颜色

Coming to terms....back to practicality

A hectic day gone by, got springed on by my supervisor for a surprised observation. Managed to carried it through. I swear it was one stressful day cos nothing was concrete in my lesson when I receive that fateful SMS it all together in one morning. The result was satisfying. Said I have had major improvement over my last observation on groupwork. Ended my day at almost five before hanging out with a bunch of fellow trainees at McDonald's near the school.

Met up with LN later in the evening for dinner, or rather just coffee. I have had lunch too late. Did not have the appetitite to have dinner. Talk alot of our recent happenings, he is still in his tricky predicament. No signs of resolution in sight. This time round both of us are in the loop, both of us victims of ladies' indecisiveness, and to a certain extent their selfishness. He chose to suffer, and I must admit his tolerance is commenable. carrying on as a "boyfriend" who has no status. I chose differently, I do not have his level of tolerance, and I dont think I wish to allow someone to dictate over my emotions. My life may be very quiet now, but it is alot more peaceful than seeing myself being tormented by truths and half truths. I may be emotional, but I realise I can also be a very practical man.

Back on the helm, in control. Storms lay ahead, the ship presses on into the night...

Day of Ups

Went on another learning journey trip today, met james a fellow teacher. Had a great chat, with him all the way throughout the trip. Talked about dealing with rascals, talked about army, talk abput careers,talk about his family. It was really comforting after a bad day in school. Learned alot and also relieved because he convinced me about the joys of teaching again. CL also gave a lot of encouraging messages which helps also. Thanks bro.

Met up with XT for the movie today, but failed to catch it. Somehow the GPRS information on my phone was different from the cinemas. The timing was wrong, and interesting enough even on a wednesday, the show was sold out except for the first row. Anyway, it was alright. It was nice to hang out anyway. Eventually went for our late dinner at Geylang and JS joined us there. Had lots lots of dimsum, feel really bloated, *burp*LOL. She was a natural blabberer and I had the great joy of listening. This is good as it took my mind off other negative things and even while i listened. It was really relaxing tonight, but now getting seriously sleep. YAWN!!!!
Thats old for tonight...seeya.

Day of downs...

What a day have gone by, it began with the worse of conditions, a stupid misbehaving class filled with rascals who actually stole the green mini stapler which i bought when I was out with JM. An item which had so much memories, was really mad when I found that it is missing. The whole lesson was a disaster with another confrontation with that rascal who thinks that the world exist because of him. Come on, if i was bestowed with the punishment available in the military, That rascal with his behaviour today would be first imprisoned in the dark chamber for perharps six months and then have him heave sandbags for the next two and half years of his life in detention barracks. Anyway I can see it now, unless he has his brain washed or seriously altered, he will be doing that once he enlists in perharps five years time. I was seriously mad, even felt like quitting because I dun wish to waste my life helping these rascals who not only dun wish to help themselves, but rather turn against their aid givers. I feel like the UN peace keepers who pulled out of Somalia after the Mogdishiu incident in 1993. Help should only be given to those who wish to help themselves period.

The night before I had another painful tiff with JM, it began as a nice conversation with her asking about my observation, and then her phone rang. and we stopped chatting on msn, 101 paranoia set in and I called to ask her some question that I should not asked. She got angry, and stop picking up the phone after that call. The great blackout came, and I thought it might be some attack cos there were some rumours of impending terrorist attacks going around for a while. Called and message her to see how she is. No reply again....
Feel really sad. Knew I was going nowhere...jus pushing her further and further away. I dun wan to remember us as what we are now. Things are really bad between us now.

Beach at dawn, beach in the evening.

Got back on the wheel today, move off from my place at 515am this morning to head down to XT's place to pick her. Havent drove that early before, but it was smooth. Really smooth, reach her place in barely 40min. Went for the dawn service at east coast, it was quite interesting. The sunrise was really beautiful today. The service was kinda difficult to follow as the voice of the speaker was soft. Guess her attempt to pulled me out of my quiet room worked, cos the fresh air and the sunrise really help lighten my spirits alot.The service and the singing reminds me of the times I attended chapel when i was in SAJC. Enjoyed it much then, today it really filled me with nostalgia. Went for breakfast at Parkway Parade after the service, and had a good chat with her during the entire trip. I drove by many places which I once went with JM. It sure hurts when i remember those hopeful times when I was with JM. But today I was brave enough to face those familar places. I dunno if JM will feel the same way as i do. But I do enjoy those moments when i was with her in those familar places.

Went home after a long chat with XT in the van below her block. She said alot of things that made sense, after all she have been trapped in the same predicatment not too long ago. Many people have asked me this same question. Can i move on? i cant really give a clear answer at this time. I still miss JM trememdously, but my life have returned very much to normal. So I dun know the answer myself.

Anyway, went home after that, crash for few hours, tried to do some work, and then I head back to the east again. This time to the airfield for coffee with CL and then to punggol beach where we took a walk. It was quite polluted and the sea was black which looked quite disturbing. So that was where I spent the end of the day, on the beach again.

Looking back at the weekend, it was indeed a good time for me to recover from the trauma that I went through in the week before. i really appreciated the support that I got from all my friends. So many of them have took the initialtive to try to get me out, and took time to counsel and listen. Really appreciate all that. All I can say is that IT REALLY HELPS. So thanks alot for all who have been there for me.

back to normal life...back to holding pattern

Life have return to its old ways. Back to the old ways of hanging out with the bachelors. Back to the game playing, coffee sipping, babe watching days. Gradually life has returned to a form that is so very familar. Friends both ladies and guys have asked me out. And I have been hanging out alot alot.Trips to Johore, over night trip to fish farms in lim chu kang, gaming sessions, treks, coffee sessions, karaoke, movies, dinners, lunch, have been offered in the past few days. Some I did go, some i didnt. But life is really familar now, and once again I am in the holding pattern again. waiting to be able to love and care for someone once again. Not too happy, not too sad. Just living life as it is. Thats all for now, will need to drive out early in the morning to pick XT up, to go for the dawn church service with her at east coast early early early tomorrow. So thats all for now. No worries people. I'm a lot better than I was when writing the previous entry. Thanks for all the concern. :)

Over drive mode...auto mode. Army mode.

Another day has passed by, semi awake, on automatic mode. Haven't been sleeping well lately. Lots of things running in mind day and night. My energy is boosted simply by the medicince which the doc prescribed to me on monday. Some kind of "go" pills which allows a person to remain energetic despite of sleep deprivation. Needed that for teaching. Life has become very quiet, overwhelmingly silent. Lots of why, how, what questions continued raging in my mind.

Couldnt stand to be at home at night. So started drifting out after finishing my work. Didn't want to face the quiet room and the phone that she chose. Being going out at night to anywhere. Havent being driving either, cant stand the thought of seeing an empty left seat next to me. Besides, as airmanship dictates, I'll be better off not driving for the time being. My body has been in auto mode, doing what my job and life requires me to do. Other than that, everything has been put on hold. Mentally I am too tired, unable to handle. This adds on when I came home today and my mum told me my uncle has been admitted to hospital. Saw my uncle jus a few days before, he was already very weak. Enough... really enough...the stresses of practicum, a failure in a relationship, now the illness of a close kin. How much more can I take? Alot more I know myself, but its gonna be a really terrible time for me.

The survival mode that I used when I was in the Army has kicked in. Havent used that mode for years but has to used it now. My mind is simply too tired, so everything is just done subconsiously leaving it to the jurisdiction of that mode....Too much has happened in these four months, too much...too much.

张敬轩-明了

我渴望拥有你 和你有最近的距离
黑暗的夜里 不敢梦见你 只是想你
我怎么爱过你 直到—切无能为力
你感觉不到我对你的爱已很少

我不会知道 爱情那么重要
若永远得不到 夜里怎么熬
你不会知道为了你我付出多少
我已尽量让你感到 我有多好

爱要怎么才明了 我怎么难过你才会知道
想你的夜里 整—颗心 不停燃烧
还要怎么才明了 难道爱你都不需要
爱已那么少 (爱已不重要) 我会放掉

心 已经慢慢清醒 我闭上眼睛
笺 已经看到黎明 从此 我谁都不相信 NO

张敬轩- 断点

曲：Hins | 词：Hins | 编：

静静地陪你走了好远好远
连眼睛红了都没有发现
听着你说你现在的改变
看着我依然最爱你的笑脸
连这条旧路依然没有改变
以往的每次路过都是晴天
想起我们有过的从前
泪水就一点一点开始蔓延

我转过我的脸 不让你看见
深藏的暗涌已经越来越明显
过完了今天 就不要再见面
我害怕每天醒来想你好几遍

我吻过你的脸 你双手曾在我的双肩
感觉有那么甜 我那么依恋
每当我闭眼 我总是可以看见
失信的诺言全部都会实现
我吻过你的脸 你已经不在我的身边
虽然你不在我的身边
我还是祝福你过得好一点
短开的情线 我不要做断点
只想在睡前 再听见你的 蜜语甜言

tIReD

A long day has passed. Being around the whole of Singapore,from east to west to central and back home.My mind did even more wandering. Sat at the beach at east coast in the afternoon and thought alot, too much....I want to be happy, I really do. I want to turn back to the happier times. Said the wrong words, did the wrong things. I am tired... Hanged out with the guys today, really good company. Played some games, drove around, coffee, soccer.